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Sep. 8th, 2016

(no subject)

It has been a long time.

I mean...a long, long time.

I just came here to say I'm 28...I have a job with a very, very prestigious title...but I still feel so empty.

I told my mom today that I don't want to live an ordinary life - I'm a grown up but I'm still so lost. I just don't know what I want to do. My dad told me I should do whatever makes me happy.

I don't know what will make me happy. Nothing will make me happy. I wish there was an answer key. What do I want to do? Who am I? What will make me happy? How can I be happy?

My depression/anxiety is getting worse and worse. I don't know what else to do at this point. If I'm not in some sort of pit of despair, I'm grinding my teeth and fidgeting. If I'm not tearing my hair out in anxiety, I'm breaking down in a sudden fit of tears.

I can't stand myself.

Jun. 19th, 2012

(no subject)

I'm living in South Korea now. It has been 2.5 months.

I did something really stupid before I left, too.

I fell for someone. Hard.

It's probably the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life, but it couldn't be helped.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it sucks.

I feel even more alone without him. At home, I was feeling betrayed and lonely, wishing to come here just so I could start living. Ever since the discovery of my father's affair, I felt like some alien in my own home--unwanted and the root of the problems.

Then I met him.

I forgot all about being lonely.

But it was a cruel thing to do to myself.

I'm sorry, self.

Just believe that your conversations about reuniting when you return were true and not just a means to placate a silly girl with puppy dog eyes.

Sep. 28th, 2011

(no subject)

My biggest fear is living an ordinary life.

Feb. 24th, 2011

Okay, so I'm trying not to be so hard on myself

What I Don't Like:
-The scenes in the school club
-Maeyoung staying a mystery too long (it's really not a mystery, there's too much obvious secrecy)
-The coming and going of Junho. It doesn't make much sense.
-The general uneventfulness
-How Junho is so schizo. I mean, are you an asshole with a soft heart or a guy who was on his period that one time and then nice every other time.
-Jessica, Kylie, Jun, Hyumi, Sunny
-The noodle place. I don't even know. Too many obligations. Not enough action.
-The dream scene. My one rule? No dream sequences. Then what did I go do? I wrote one.

What I DO Like:
-Kevin Kim. He's a great secondary character. I have him down pat.
-The jumping out the window into worlds unknown, into the arms of a dangerous stranger, knowing everything you've ever believed is about to change scene. Miho/Junho's dynamic is effing mint.
-Jun/Junho's relationship. They're awesome. A six year old and a 999 year old man with the mind of a six year old. I just don't know if I like Jun enough to keep him. He doesn't do much, really.
-The training scene. Miho kind of has to take a step back from Junho (but in my version I didn't even bother - oh god, this sucks)
-Junho/Sooyoung's relationship. I mean who says to his mother (blood or not): "Let go of my ear, you fat cow!" (Sooyoung: Fat cow? Do you talk to your mother with that mouth? Junho: You ARE my mother! And I can call you a fat cow if it's the gosh darn truth!)

what to do. what to do. what to do.

(no subject)

i hate pretty much everything about my nanowrimo novel. it sucks to have to think about starting from scratch. but it's just so terrible. all of it.

(no subject)

Mayor McCheese.

Feb. 23rd, 2011

What I wouldn't do...

for a good coffee drink (that's what I call the fancy ones. for ex: gloria jeans), doughnuts, sushi, and a miracle cure to sadness.

Jan. 27th, 2011

(no subject)

I miss the sound of rain in my little corner of a room
and the smell of Carol Stream in the spring - no other way to label it, really
Wisconsin in the summer, dog days and unbearable heat and everything goes by like some sun streaked, indie movie.

and I hate the look of my nose and these last few pounds I could never lose.
and this deeply rooted thing that will probably consume me.

but I'm thinking it already has.

Oct. 18th, 2010

(no subject)

a year really isn't so long in the span of a life.

Sep. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

“‘Your family needs you, Katniss,’ Peeta says. My family. My mother. My sister. And my pretend cousin Gale. But Peeta’s intention is clear. That Gale really is my family, or will be one day, if I live. I’ll marry him. So Peeta’s giving me his life and Gale at the same time. To let me know I shouldn’t ever have doubts about it. Everything. That’s what Peeta wants me to take from him… ‘No one really needs me,’ he says, and there’s no selfpity in his voice. It’s true his family doesn’t need him. They will mourn him, as will a handful of friends. But they will get on. Even Haymitch, with the help of a lot of white liquor, will get on. I realize only one person will be damaged beyond repair if Peeta dies. Me.”

— Catching Fire

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